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Monday, September 22, 2008

Check out this Application


This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Casino Hottie


Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Wake me up at 5:00 AM


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

HONEYMOON


An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Since her new husband was old she was concerned about his health, so the woman decides that after the wedding she and the old man would have separate bedrooms, lest he overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities the bride prepares herself for bed and hears the expected "knock" on the door. There was the geriatric groom, ready for action. They fuck and all goes well. The groom leaves and the bride prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, the bride hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's the groom, again ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, the bride consents to more sex.

When the lovebirds are done, the old groom kisses his bride, bids her goodnight, and leaves.

As she readies to sleep again, the groom comes back again, as fresh as a 25-year-old, hot and passionate. This time the bride is truly amazed. "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover."

The groom, somewhat embarrassed, turns to his bride and says: "You mean I was here already?"