ALL STORIES ON ME

You owe me $ 20.00

2008-10-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".

He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

Check out this Application

2008-09-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Casino Hottie

2008-09-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Wake me up at 5:00 AM

2008-09-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

HONEYMOON

2008-09-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Since her new husband was old she was concerned about his health, so the woman decides that after the wedding she and the old man would have separate bedrooms, lest he overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities the bride prepares herself for bed and hears the expected "knock" on the door. There was the geriatric groom, ready for action. They fuck and all goes well. The groom leaves and the bride prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, the bride hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's the groom, again ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, the bride consents to more sex.

When the lovebirds are done, the old groom kisses his bride, bids her goodnight, and leaves.

As she readies to sleep again, the groom comes back again, as fresh as a 25-year-old, hot and passionate. This time the bride is truly amazed. "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover."

The groom, somewhat embarrassed, turns to his bride and says: "You mean I was here already?"

BLACKBOARD

2008-07-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

One day, as the teacher walked to the blackboard,she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around,scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the blackboard.She looked arund in vain for the culprit,but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word writen on the board,each day's word,larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day,she walked in,expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board,but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!".

Page Turner Indeed

2008-06-22T04:38:00.000-07:00

A couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached out over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband confused, asked "What are you doing taking all of your clothes off ?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. "

The husband said, " No, not at all."

Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"

The husband replied," I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."

Nice Medicine

2008-06-14T16:36:00.000-07:00

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra ? " the doctor asks.

"Not a chance " says the woman.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor.

"Drop this into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things."

The woman calls the doctor a week later.

"Oh doctor, it was terrible!"

"What happened ?" ask the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jump straight up with a gleam in his eye and his pants bulging fiercely ! He swept the cups and tablecloth off the table at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make wild,mad,passionate love to me on the tabletop!It was terrible!"

"What was terrible ?" ask the doctor.

"Was the sex not good?"

"Oh, no doctor, the sex was great. In fact, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

Just Fits

2008-06-05T07:24:00.000-07:00

A man goes to a pharmacy to buy a condom. At the counter, the female pharmacist ask him what his size is.

The man is amazed that condoms come in sizes and answers, " I don't know my size. Will you help me ?" The woman ask the man to go at the back of the pharmacy in the sofa. The woman lies on the sofa as the man, confused at the situation, takes off his shorts and inserts his penis in the woman's pussy.

"Size B" the woman answers. " Okay take it out. How many condoms would you like?" The man asks for two and goes home.

Feeling ecstatic over what just happened, he tells the good news to his friend. His friend could not believe so he goes to the pharmacy to try it out himself.

The friend tells the female pharmacist that he does not know what his size is, so she assists him to the back of the pharmacy and ask him to insert his penis in her pussy.

" Size c, okay ? " the woman says. " Now take it out. " The man refuses to take it out, and instead fucks the woman until he comes.

The woman then asks, " Wait,wait, how many are you buying ?"

" I'm not buying one" says the man.

" I just came in for fitting".

WRONG DIAGNOSIS

2008-06-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

A doctor and his wife are fighting during breakfast. The doctor gets up angrily and leaves the house in rage,shouting, " And you're not that good in bed either !"

After some time during lunchtime, he calls his wife to say he's sorry for the outburst.

After minutes and minutes of ringing the phone, the wife finally answers. The doctor gets mad again.

" What took you so long to answer the phone?"

The wife answers, " I'm getting a second opinion!"

Got a clue ?

2008-05-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

A guy came home early one day from work and just heard weird sounds coming from his bedroom. When he went upstairs he found his wife on the bed naked and sweating.

"What the hell is going on ?" he said to his wife. " I'm having a heart attack " she stammered. He ran downstairs and dialed the emergency number.

As he was doing this, his young son ran up and said " Daddy Uncle Ben is upstairs hiding in the closet and he's naked."

The father slammed the phone down and ran upstairs to fin his brother.

"What the hell are you doing ?" he screamed.

" My wife is haing a heart attack and you're running around naked, scaring the kids ! "

Who's got the longest prick ?

2008-05-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

Once, in a desert, several countries held a competition to see which among their men had the longest dick.

In the finals, three men were left: An American, a Russian and a Filipino.

The three immediately dropped their pants and stuck their dicks in the sand.

The American pulled out his penis and water burst from underground. Everyone cheered and applauded.

It was the Russian turn to pull out his dick and oil gushed out of the ground. More people applauded and shouted in his favor.

The last contestant, a Filipino, pulled out his penis but this time, everyone just gasped and screamed in shock of what came out.

It was Satan,pinned on his ass screaming.

Boarding House No. 7

2008-05-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

After I came, I didn’t know what happened next, I was way too drunk and too sleepy.

The storm has passed that morning, and I woke up when I noticed that all the girls were dressed up and that they were just waiting for me. We checked out after we ate our meal. None of the girls were talking about what happened last night.

We reached our house and my Mom was very happy to see us again. It was like a fiesta in the house, with the mood and all the food served.

That night, I was thinking about what happened the night before it was so special I can’t forget what happened. All the girls licking my dick. Wow, Lucky me. That is how I lost my virginity on to that very special evening with the lovely ladies around. Three girls, just like in an X-rated film.

Truly being drunk, gives some girls horniness inside them. It fires up their libido.

After all these days, the girls and I were still in constant communication but nobody is talking about our dirty little secret.

Boarding House No. 6

2008-05-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

Jewel came closer to me and began touching my shoulder as Rowena still continues to dance. Her hands move slowly toward the direction my hardened cock. Finally she was already touching my cock. It was my first time that a girl touches my cock. The feeling was so amazing, it makes my cock harder and so erect.

Jenny removes the towel form her body and I can see her body in all naked glory. She sat down besides Jewel and grab my hand to feel her soft and smooth skin. I don’t know what I was feeling right now. But with two girls surrounding me, it was pretty wonderful.

Jewel began removing my brief and I was already lying down now in the floor now. To my surprise Jewel began kissing Jenny while touching my penis. I was touching Jenny’s breast now and I am slowly going down under her pussy. I am already nearing her pussy, when suddenly I feel someone is licking my cock.

It was Rowena, moving her tongue upwards down my hardened cock. It was a great sensation. After licking, she began sucking it, I was fingering Jenny now and I tried to taste my finger when Jewel grab it and suck it

Rowena is now sucking my balls, while Jenny sucks my cock. Jewel sat in front of my face and force her pussy towards my face. I started licking her pussy. Her pussy taste so sweet. Then all of a sudden I came off Jenny’s mouth, which surprises her. But nevertheless she swallowed my cum and began sharing it with Rowena.

Boarding House no. 5

2008-05-04T03:51:00.001-07:00

This time she was in front of me, with her panty near my face. Still grinding, my dick is getting harder and harder. My hands are slowly touching her skin in her thigh. It was so soft and smooth. Rowena still continues to dance as if I was doing nothing in her thigh.

This time my hands are already in her legs. It was just so damn smooth. I was having fun caressing her legs while Rowena was still grinding, when the bathroom door opens.

Jewel and Jenny, both covered in towel, paused for a moment. I thought that they will be mad or angry but to my surprise, they giggled. They turn the volume of the radio louder.

Rowena is the most beautiful girl among our boarders, she looks like Kristine Hermosa. Flawless and extremely smooth white skin. Just like the actress. Jewel and Jenny sat beside the bed and watched us.

I can feel her pussy touching my dick, and it sure is getting angrier and harder. Rowena still dances. I was so lucky, I am now touching her hips and feeling her body. I tried to insert my finger inside her panty but she slapped my hands.

“Not fast, you naughty boy.” She said.

Boarding House no. 4

2008-04-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

The girls are all drunk and exhausted from the disco, and I was the only one on the right mind to what to do next. I asked one of the securities if we could at least stay in the bar up until morning. But sadly, it was there procedure to close down the bar. Luckily one of the securities told me that there is a nearby motel.

I told the girls that we should check in because the bar is about to close. All of them agreed. I called my Mom so she would not be worried about us. She just told me to take care of myself and the girls.

We walked about a couple of street then reached the motel, we checked in two rooms. I, Rowena and two other girls named Jewel and Jenny occupied the first room and the rest occupied the second room.

We were all soaking wet, so we took off our clothes and left only our underwear. The girls’ underwear was wet and so is mine. The Girls were too damn too sexy in their wet underwear that you can almost see the most private part of their body.

Jewel and Jenny both went to the bathroom together, that leaves me and Rowena. Rowena opened the radio; Rowena was still drunk during that moment, but manages to dance sexily in front of me. Man she was dams so hot with every step she’s making. I am slowly having a hard on.

Rowena noticed this, and she began teasing me. She just grinds her behind in my face. I smelled something sweet down under. I tried to kiss it but I still managed to control myself. She slowly lowered the strap of her bra, revealing her cleavage.

Boarding House no. 3

2008-04-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

The examination day went on for the girls, and of course I was very excited. But bad news, it was raining that day and I doubted that planned trip at the bar would push through. The rain was not that hard, but it was continuous.

I asked Rowena if it will push through, and she said yes, rain or shine we will go. It was still raining when all of the girls finally arrived from school. It was Friday night, and I noticed that Elena headed straight to her bedroom.

The Bar or Disco opens around 9 pm. So we have to wait a few more hours before we head. Some of the girls took a bath, while the rest were just resting in their beds. Elena came out of her bedroom with her bag pack. She heads to the living room and sat for a while. She then bids goodbye to my mom, and I told her to take care.

After we ate dinner, The Girls and I waited outside our house while sharing the umbrella with one another. We hailed two taxi cabs to head to the bar.

At the Bar, there were only a few people. So it feels like as if we own the place. The girls and I started partying. The girls dances hot and damn so sexy while the music being played is I’m Too Sexy by Right said Fred.

The girls are getting wild and way too drunk, but still manage to groove sexily to the music. What can I say; I am just too damn lucky to be in the company of these girls.

We party so hard that we forgot the time and there was some occasional cutout of power. It was already 3 a.m. and the rain turns to storm. There was no more taxi available to ride on. The road is getting flooded steadily.

Boarding House no. 2

2008-04-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

It was always a delight watching Elena’s body get cleaned; she has the biggest boobs among the girls. After she finished taking her bath, she begins to dress her self, as I began to go to the kitchen to eat breakfast.

At the kitchen table that morning, some of the girls were talking about their exam and what to do next after their exam. As I was preparing my coffee, I heard them that they will go to the disco or bar to relax their worn out brain. Upon hearing this, I told them if I could go with them, and all them replied “Ask your Mama first”

My mom has always been protective of me, during these days fraternity death was the top news, so my mom wouldn’t just let me leave the house at night. She heard that a lot of students die due to initiation or fraternity rumble.

Rowena, a third year nursing student, told me that I should always ask my mom first because I was just like a Mama’s boy. And I told her “very funny” Finally Elena is already in the kitchen preparing her coffee. She was always like this every morning. Her coffee is full of creamer, maybe that’s the reason her skin is so white.

I asked Elena if she was going out with the girl after her exam, and she told me that she will go home to their province instead. I was sad when she told me that. Meanwhile at the gate,my mom was already calling me.

She just came from the market and bought some groceries. I asked her if I could go with the girls, she was a bit hesitant but she finally said yes. I was so happy because my mom allowed me, now I have the chance to party with some of the girls.

Boarding House no. 1

2008-04-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

Manila Philippines circa 1992

I am about to tell you my story, in happened way back in 1992. My family had a boarding house exclusive for girls as a means of living. This is where my mom usually gets our daily and monthly expenditures.

It was not that big compared to the other boarding house around the area in Sanpaloc. It usually caters students from around the university belt. Not all girls are that pretty or beautiful that occupies are boarding house. There are only about ten beautiful girls out of the twenty boarders we had.

Just like the usual teenagers, I’ve been naughty toward the girls. I’ve managed to punch a hole in the bathroom where they took their bath. I always wake up early to catch the beautiful girls taking a bath.

This morning, I am about to watch Elena, a voluptuous 4^th year college student taking up Mass Communications. Elena’s skin is so white; her boobs are just so big you’d probably drown with you began kissing her in her breast. Her private parts are also that white and her nipples are still pinkish. She is not aware that I am already in my place, while she is still disrobing. The shower sprinkles her body as she began caressing her body. She shampooed her hair first, then take out her soap which smells great that I can still smell it even I’m three feet away form her. She just looks like Maureen Larrazabal if you compare her today.