You owe me $ 20.00

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".

He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

Check out this Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Wake me up at 5:00 AM

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

HONEYMOON

An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Since her new husband was old she was concerned about his health, so the woman decides that after the wedding she and the old man would have separate bedrooms, lest he overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities the bride prepares herself for bed and hears the expected "knock" on the door. There was the geriatric groom, ready for action. They fuck and all goes well. The groom leaves and the bride prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, the bride hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's the groom, again ready for action. Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, the bride consents to more sex.

When the lovebirds are done, the old groom kisses his bride, bids her goodnight, and leaves.

As she readies to sleep again, the groom comes back again, as fresh as a 25-year-old, hot and passionate. This time the bride is truly amazed. "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover."

The groom, somewhat embarrassed, turns to his bride and says: "You mean I was here already?"

BLACKBOARD

One day, as the teacher walked to the blackboard,she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around,scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the blackboard.She looked arund in vain for the culprit,but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word writen on the board,each day's word,larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day,she walked in,expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board,but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!".

Page Turner Indeed

A couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached out over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband confused, asked "What are you doing taking all of your clothes off ?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. "

The husband said, " No, not at all."

Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"

The husband replied," I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."

Nice Medicine

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra ? " the doctor asks.

"Not a chance " says the woman.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor.

"Drop this into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things."

The woman calls the doctor a week later.

"Oh doctor, it was terrible!"

"What happened ?" ask the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jump straight up with a gleam in his eye and his pants bulging fiercely ! He swept the cups and tablecloth off the table at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make wild,mad,passionate love to me on the tabletop!It was terrible!"

"What was terrible ?" ask the doctor.

"Was the sex not good?"

"Oh, no doctor, the sex was great. In fact, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

Just Fits

A man goes to a pharmacy to buy a condom. At the counter, the female pharmacist ask him what his size is.

The man is amazed that condoms come in sizes and answers, " I don't know my size. Will you help me ?" The woman ask the man to go at the back of the pharmacy in the sofa. The woman lies on the sofa as the man, confused at the situation, takes off his shorts and inserts his penis in the woman's pussy.

"Size B" the woman answers. " Okay take it out. How many condoms would you like?" The man asks for two and goes home.

Feeling ecstatic over what just happened, he tells the good news to his friend. His friend could not believe so he goes to the pharmacy to try it out himself.

The friend tells the female pharmacist that he does not know what his size is, so she assists him to the back of the pharmacy and ask him to insert his penis in her pussy.

" Size c, okay ? " the woman says. " Now take it out. " The man refuses to take it out, and instead fucks the woman until he comes.

The woman then asks, " Wait,wait, how many are you buying ?"

" I'm not buying one" says the man.

" I just came in for fitting".

WRONG DIAGNOSIS

A doctor and his wife are fighting during breakfast. The doctor gets up angrily and leaves the house in rage,shouting, " And you're not that good in bed either !"

After some time during lunchtime, he calls his wife to say he's sorry for the outburst.

After minutes and minutes of ringing the phone, the wife finally answers. The doctor gets mad again.

" What took you so long to answer the phone?"

The wife answers, " I'm getting a second opinion!"

Who's got the longest prick ?

Once, in a desert, several countries held a competition to see which among their men had the longest dick.

In the finals, three men were left: An American, a Russian and a Filipino.

The three immediately dropped their pants and stuck their dicks in the sand.

The American pulled out his penis and water burst from underground. Everyone cheered and applauded.

It was the Russian turn to pull out his dick and oil gushed out of the ground. More people applauded and shouted in his favor.

The last contestant, a Filipino, pulled out his penis but this time, everyone just gasped and screamed in shock of what came out.

It was Satan,pinned on his ass screaming.